Poor Little Rich Girl

I have made a dilemma for myself.

A couple of months ago I made my yearly donation to Michigan Radio, and for the first time in the history of me giving them money, I indulged my compulsion to check the "I want a complimentary gift" box and picked out a tote bag (because when one is a teacher, one can never have too many tote bags). It finally came in the mail last week, and today was the first day that I got to use it. I was ferrying things from my car to my apartment after school, and while making my way up the front walk, school bag slung over my shoulder and "Michigan Public Radio" canvas tote in hand, I was unexpectedly struck by a feeling of sheepishness and slight shame (unexpected sneak-up feelings are apparently a Thing this month - see "betrayed by bread" post below...).

I suddenly wanted to disassociate myself from that tote bag as quickly as possible, not because advertising the logo of my favorite radio station made me in any way self-conscious, but because it dawned on me how much that bag is a symbol of my greed. Here I had essayed to commit a charitable and altruistic act by giving money to a non-profit organization, and yet, at the same time, I had selfishly taken advantage of an offer that cost that same organization money. My full pledge amount was decreased by the price of the gift that I demanded; resources were taken away from some other, far worthier project for what? So that I could add another bag to my collection? It's kind of disgusting. I hurried inside with my bag of shame.

But as I started to unload it, the real crux of my predicament came to me. From now on, whenever I use that bag, I will feel guilty for ordering it AND, rational or not, I will imagine that others who see me using it are judging me for following the letter of the fundraiser but clearly missing the spirit; yet if I stow it away in a dark and dusty corner of my closet, I'll feel even worse for ordering the stupid thing and then not using it. I guess this will be my penance then. Every time I use that bag (and this will be often, because I seem to have a lot of stuff that seems to need moving around quite often), I will be reminded that I couldn't muster up the chutzpah to give an unconditional gift and I will remember that my soul still has a lot of growing to do.