Warning: Rated R for graphic imagery involving puss

Transcribed from my other journal and maybe headed back there soon because I'm still not sure if this is way more than you would ever want to know:

I'm afraid I must be terribly vain.

Recently I got (and am still getting over) my first cold sore. We're talking boils and ooze and scabs and puss and blood, all perched right upon the corner of my lip for all to see. Seven to ten fucking days is how long it takes to heal, according to WebMD. Seven. To. Ten. Unacceptable!

But what can I do? Even rolling around on the floor can't assuage this one. So I turn to the next best thing: talking it to death; talking it to abstraction; talking it to oblivion. I feel compelled to talk about it all the time, so whomever I am with knows that I know how ugly it is (I am) and that I am something like sorry about it. I constantly bring it up because I assume whomever I am with is probably thinking about it anyway. I mean, how could they not, as it sits there, oozing away, in the middle of my face. I want them to know that it's there because I have no choice, but they should rest assured that I am as disgusted by it as they are, if not more so, since, after all, it's all that blood and puss and scabs IN MY MOUTH!

And, when I can spare a moment away from my self-pitiful wallowing, I really start to feel bad for my students, who have to look at me all day. And I'm surprised that they still treat me exactly the same. No one stares or makes funny faces. And this gets back to why I think I'm vain - because I seem to assume that how other people treat me depends on how I look. Like my appearance is the primary factor warranting their respect, and I expect them to behave badly when I look weird.

But they were fine, still approaching me to ask questions and listening attentively to the answers. So, did I just assume they'd judge me based on looks because maybe subconsciously that's how I judge others? Did I expect them to stare and make faces because that's what I'd do, or what I'd want to do at least? And I really such a small, petty, and superficial person? I'm afraid so.

Then again, my manners or pity or something would probably kick in if I were faced with a situation where someone or something was funny looking. I wouldn't actually stare and make faces, even if I wanted to. So maybe all my students are just doing that. And does that make me feel better about myself or worse? Better that I'm not really so much meaner than they seem to be, or worse because behind their impassive faces they're really thinking all of those things I was imagining? Depends on whether I'm the object or the observer, I suppose - the human or the freak. But aren't we all really just freaks, in some way or another (cue emo music), masquerading as normal people and hoping no one will notice the flimsiness of our disguises? Or is that just what a freak would think, to try to make her oozy-lipped self feel normal?